In a stunning but entirely predictable announcement, the Federal Reserve proudly reported that the latest batch of completely made-up economic data has miraculously aligned with its previously fabricated economic forecasts, marking a triumphant moment for government statistics enthusiasts everywhere.

“We’ve done it!” exclaimed Fed Chair Jerome Powell in a press conference that had all the sincerity of a staged reality TV proposal. “This morning, our team of highly trained statisticians and creative writers successfully managed to align our imaginary economic numbers with the fantasy projections we published last quarter. It’s a remarkable achievement in the field of creative economics.”

The latest data, which claims that inflation is somehow both at 2% and “not that big of a deal,” unemployment is at a record low of “whatever number feels right,” and GDP growth is at “you know, something positive,” was released alongside a new Fed forecast that promises nothing short of economic utopia by 2025.

“Our data shows that everything is fine. Better than fine, even—bordering on magical,” Powell continued. “And if you squint hard enough, you might even believe it, just like we do.”

The Fed’s commitment to the imaginative numbers game has earned it accolades from other government agencies, with the Bureau of Labor Statistics commending the Fed’s “dedication to keeping the public blissfully ignorant.” Meanwhile, the White House praised the latest figures as “a vindication of our policy of saying things are great until people stop asking questions.”

Critics have questioned the suspiciously rosy data, pointing out that the figures bear no resemblance to the actual lived experiences of Americans, who are currently navigating grocery bills that double as cardiovascular workouts and housing prices that make Monopoly seem realistic. However, the Fed has swiftly dismissed these concerns, labeling them as “irrelevant facts from people who just don’t get it.”

“We’ve got an entire team working around the clock to massage these numbers into something we can all pretend to believe,” said Ima Fumble, Chief Data Reimaginer at the Fed. “If the data doesn’t match the forecast, we just tweak it until it does. It’s not rocket science—it’s government economics.”

To maintain the illusion, the Fed has announced a new initiative called “Reality Alignment Therapy,” where conflicting real-world evidence will be vigorously ignored, and any data that threatens the Fed’s cheerful outlook will be reclassified as “disinformation.”

“We’re not just setting economic policy; we’re crafting a narrative,” Powell said, beaming with the confidence of a man who knows he’ll never be held accountable. “And as long as the data we make up matches the predictions we pull out of thin air, then we’re doing our job.”

At the close of the press conference, Powell encouraged Americans to continue doing their part by ignoring their empty wallets and simply embracing the Fed’s feel-good numbers. “Just trust the process,” Powell advised, before taking a celebratory sip from a mug that read, “Data Schmata.”

With the Fed’s unwavering commitment to its house of cards, it’s clear that the future of America’s economy is in, well, imaginary hands.

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