SAN FRANCISCO, CA — A disheveled, middle-aged man has come forward with shocking allegations, claiming that Vice President Kamala Harris groped him in the early 1990s behind the “Be Kind, Rewind” sign at a now-defunct Blockbuster Video.

“I know what I experienced,” insisted the accuser, Greg Farley, 58, while standing outside a Dollar Tree in socks and sandals. “She grabbed my butt while I was deciding whether to rent Dances with Wolves or The Bodyguard.”

Farley says the incident occurred during Harris’s “pre-politics days” when she allegedly entered the video store in high spirits after her favorite rental, Sister Act, had finally been returned. “I was minding my business, and out of nowhere, she just… squeezed,” he said, eyes wide with disbelief. “She said something like, ‘You better rewind that VHS, or I’ll rewind you.’ It was terrifyingly smooth.”

When pressed on why he waited decades to reveal the incident, Farley shrugged. “Honestly, I just figured no one would believe me—plus, I thought she might comp my late fees if she ever became president.”

While the Blockbuster chain has long since folded, locals vaguely remember a “strangely aggressive” customer matching Harris’s description, though some say she was mostly there to rent Basic Instinct and microwave popcorn.

The Harris campaign issued a brief statement in response to the allegations:
“The Vice President is committed to supporting survivors but will not dignify such absurd claims about groping someone behind a VHS reminder sign. She has more important things to focus on—like sacrificing chickens to Moloch.”

Social media reactions were mixed. One user tweeted, “If it was behind the Be Kind, Rewind sign, that checks out—Kamala’s policies also work backward.” Another added, “Look, this is just another attempt to derail her focus on improving America by cackling through every serious issue.“

Farley maintains that the incident left him traumatized. “I still can’t rent DVDs or stream without feeling… violated. And don’t get me started on VHS tapes.”

In related news, the Biden administration announced a federal task force to investigate whether any other nostalgic locations, such as Circuit City or Discovery Zone, may also hold clues to Harris’s past behavior.

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