BREAKING: Pope Francis ousts bishop for being ‘too Catholic’
VATICAN CITY—In a shocking turn of events at the Vatican, Pope Francis, known for his progressive stances and inclusive approach, has reportedly ousted a bishop for the unforgivable crime of being “too Catholic.” The surprise move has left many faithful scratching their heads and wondering if they missed the memo on the Church’s new direction.
The ousted bishop, Bishop Traditionalus, was renowned for his commitment to the time-honored traditions of the Catholic Church, including frequent Latin masses, incense-heavy ceremonies, and a wardrobe exclusively composed of elaborate robes and pointy hats. However, it seems that in the era of Pope Francis, these ancient practices are as welcome as a flatulence symphony in the Sistine Chapel.
The Vatican spokesperson, Father Ironicus, held a press conference to address the unexpected decision. He began, “His Holiness Pope Francis has always been a proponent of modernization and keeping up with the times. Unfortunately, Bishop Traditionalus was a bit too stuck in the 15th century for the Pope’s liking.”
Reports suggest that Bishop Traditionalus received a personalized eviction notice, complete with a handwritten note from Pope Francis that read, “Dear Bishop, it’s not you, it’s me. Actually, no, it’s definitely you. I’ve got a new vision for the Church, and it involves less Latin and more interpretive dance. Best of luck with your Gregorian chants, but we’re going in a different direction. Blessings, Papa Francisco.”
The news sent shockwaves through the Catholic community, with some traditionalists expressing their dismay. One parishioner, Mrs. Ethel Pious, said, “I never thought I’d see the day when being too Catholic would be a problem. What’s next? Excommunicating people for praying too much?”
Meanwhile, the more progressive members of the Church welcomed the move, with one enthusiastic supporter stating, “It’s about time we moved away from those dusty old rituals. I’m all for a church that embraces change, as long as it doesn’t involve giving up wine during communion.”
In an attempt to bridge the gap, Pope Francis has reportedly extended an invitation to Bishop Traditionalus to join the Vatican’s new “Retro Liturgy” committee, where he can reminisce about the good old days of ornate vestments and Gregorian chants, far away from the prying eyes of progress.
As the dust settles in St. Peter’s Square, one can’t help but wonder what other surprises Pope Francis has up his sleeve for the Church’s future. Will the next bishop be ousted for excessive humility or too many acts of kindness? Only time will tell in this ecclesiastical rollercoaster ride.
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