WASHINGTON, DC—In a shocking turn of events, Congressman Jamaal Bowman has once again incited an insurrection within the hallowed halls of Congress. This time, his target was not just the budget or the Speaker of the House, but the very concept of fire safety itself.
As the new Speaker of the House, Kevin McCarthy, addressed his fellow lawmakers during a routine hearing, Bowman, armed with the knowledge that McCarthy now held the gavel, decided that pulling a fire alarm was the best way to voice his dissent.
“I will not stand idly by while Kevin McCarthy presides over this chamber!” declared Bowman, moments before yanking the fire alarm lever with dramatic flair.
The cacophonous wailing of sirens and flashing lights filled the room as lawmakers and visitors scrambled for cover, convinced that the Capitol was once again under siege. This, of course, was not the case, but Bowman’s insurrectionary antics have become so frequent that it’s hard to distinguish them from actual emergencies.
Speaker McCarthy, seemingly unfazed, quipped, “It appears that Mr. Bowman has found his calling as our resident alarmist. Perhaps we should appoint him as our official Fire Drill Coordinator.”
The Capitol Police, who must be growing weary of these false alarms, rushed to the scene once more. “We’ve had enough practice,” one officer remarked, shaking his head. “At this point, we could probably handle a real emergency blindfolded.”
Bowman, undeterred by the chaos he had caused, seized the opportunity to deliver an impromptu speech amidst the blaring alarm. “This alarm symbolizes the urgency of the issues we face!” he proclaimed. “We must sound the alarm on climate change, income inequality, and the proliferation of non-dairy milk options in the cafeteria!”
As the situation eventually calmed down and Bowman was escorted away from the fire alarm switch, his actions once again raised questions about the appropriateness of his insurrectionary methods. Is pulling fire alarms a legitimate form of protest, or is it simply a cry for attention?
One thing is clear: Rep. Jamaal Bowman’s frequent insurrections are becoming alarmingly routine, and the nation can only hope that he doesn’t start advocating for sprinkler activations next.