WASHINGTON, DC—In an unprecedented announcement, US Secret Service Director Kimberly Cheatle has declared that the agency can no longer provide protection for former President Donald Trump due to an unforeseen and insurmountable obstacle: sloped roofs.

“Effective immediately, we are suspending all protection services for Mr. Trump,” Cheatle stated at a hastily organized press conference. “The sheer number of sloped roofs across America has made our job impossible. We just can’t do it.”

Cheatle went on to explain the unique dangers posed by these architectural features. “Everywhere we go, it’s sloped roofs. Whether it’s Trump Tower, Mar-a-Lago, or a rally in the middle of nowhere, the roofs are never flat. Our agents can’t keep up.”

Sources within the Secret Service described the constant vigilance required to navigate this perilous terrain. “It’s like being on a perpetual game show obstacle course,” said one agent, who requested anonymity. “One minute you’re securing a perimeter, and the next you’re sliding off a 45-degree pitch while dodging drones and selfie sticks.”

The sloped roofs have added an unexpected layer of complexity to Trump’s security detail. “Every mission turns into a high-stakes balancing act,” another agent confided. “We’ve got agents with ropes and harnesses, and still, someone always ends up dangling off the edge.”

Cheatle’s announcement has sent shockwaves through Washington and beyond. Critics have questioned the timing and reasoning behind the decision, while supporters of Trump have accused the Secret Service of abandoning their duty.

“Sloped roofs? Really? This sounds like a bad joke,” tweeted one prominent commentator. “What’s next? Are they going to stop protecting him because there are too many stairs?”

In response to the news, Trump took to Truth Social to voice his outrage. “Sad! The Secret Service is making excuses. Sloped roofs? Come on! They’ve been fine for centuries. Total incompetence,” he posted. “I’ll find the best people to protect me, believe me.”

In an effort to fill the security void, Trump is reportedly exploring alternative protection measures, including hiring professional climbers and installing inflatable landing pads around his properties. He’s also considering forming a volunteer militia composed of his most loyal supporters, dubbed the “Trump Tower Rangers.”

Meanwhile, Director Cheatle defended the decision, citing the agency’s need to prioritize agent safety. “We’re not abandoning our duty,” she insisted. “We’re simply acknowledging a challenge that we cannot safely overcome. Sloped roofs are our kryptonite.”

As the nation grapples with the fallout from this announcement, one thing is clear: the landscape of presidential protection has forever changed. Whether this shift will lead to innovative new security strategies or further chaos remains to be seen. One thing is certain—America’s roofs will never look the same again.

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