WASHINGTON, DC—Special Counsel Robert Hur has officially exonerated President* Joe Biden of any wrongdoing, citing his alleged braindead state as grounds for incapacity to stand trial.
In a press conference that felt more like a scene from a surreal comedy sketch, Hur solemnly declared, “After extensive investigation and careful consideration, we have determined that President* Biden’s cognitive state renders him unfit to face trial for any alleged offenses, so he’s innocent.”
The announcement sent shockwaves through Washington, with pundits and politicians alike struggling to make sense of the bewildering logic behind the decision.
“It’s like something out of a dystopian novel,” remarked one baffled observer. “How can someone be deemed too mentally incapacitated to stand trial, yet still be deemed fit to hold the highest office in the land?”
The Special Counsel’s report, which spans thousands of pages and is filled with legal jargon that would make even the most seasoned attorney’s head spin, attempts to justify the decision by cataloguing a litany of Biden’s mental lapses and gaffes.
“From forgetting the names of world leaders to wandering aimlessly around the White House grounds, President Biden’s cognitive decline is nothing short of alarming,” the report concludes. “As such, it would be grossly unjust to subject him to the rigors of a trial.”
Critics have been quick to condemn the decision as a blatant case of political favoritism, arguing that if Biden is truly unfit to stand trial, then he should also be deemed unfit to hold the presidency.
“This is a textbook example of double standards,” declared one outspoken lawmaker. “If President Biden lacks the mental capacity to face justice, then how can he possibly be trusted to make crucial decisions for the country?”
In response to the mounting criticism, the White House issued a terse statement reiterating its unwavering support for President Biden.
“President Biden is a strong and capable leader who is fully capable of carrying out his duties as president,” the statement read. “Any insinuation to the contrary is simply absurd and unfounded.”
As the controversy continues to unfold, one thing is abundantly clear: the question of Biden’s mental fitness will remain a hotly debated topic for the foreseeable future. Whether he’s fit to stand trial may remain a matter of opinion, but one thing is certain: the absurdity of American politics has reached new heights.