BREAKING: Trump administration to tap the nations ‘Strategic Toilet Paper Reserves’

Oil is indeed the lifeblood of any nation. As the world is gripped by coronavirus the price of oil has plummeted. In response to a global slowdown and Saudi Arabia flooding the market, President Trump has ordered his administration to fill the Strategic Oil Reserves to the very top.

Over the last 72 hours, store shelves have been laid threadbare. Fresh vegetables, canned goods, hand sanitizer, disinfectant, bleach, and bread have been in high demand. We are in a CoronaCrisis of epic proportions.

But one item stands out above all. Toilet paper is nowhere to be found in the United States of America. It has been hoarded by millions of Americans who fear a societal meltdown and decades of quarantine.

The “Strategic National Toilet Paper Reserves” located several miles underground at NORAD headquarters in Colorado Springs has been put on high alert. In these massive underground caverns are located enough Toilet Paper to satisfy our nation’s sanitary needs for the next 250 years.

The only caveat for tapping this source will be the requirement that Americans must use the MRE Soldier’s Toilet Paper Technique when cleansing the area. If you are unfamiliar with this procedure please ask a soldier/vet/Democratic Congressman or Google it. You’ll be happy you did. Now let us pray.