WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that has left political analysts and fire marshals equally baffled, former President Donald Trump announced Wednesday that White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt would be replaced by a literal gaslight to handle all remaining questions regarding the Jeffrey Epstein files. The decision, unveiled during a late-night Truth Social post, marks what aides describe as a “bold new direction” in crisis communications.

“I’ve got the best people, folks, but sometimes you need something even better—a gaslight,” Trump wrote at 2:47 a.m. “It’s tremendous, really. It burns bright, never lies, and nobody can say it’s not transparent. Perfect for the fake news media asking about Epstein. Sad!”

The gaslight, a vintage brass lantern sourced from a Mar-a-Lago storage closet, was installed in the White House Briefing Room by Thursday morning. It flickered silently as reporters lobbed questions about the recently unsealed Epstein documents, which have reignited scrutiny over Trump’s past association with the disgraced financier. The gaslight, true to its nature, offered no discernible answers, instead casting a warm, disorienting glow across the podium.

“It’s a brilliant strategy,” said a senior Trump advisor, speaking on condition of anonymity because they “didn’t want to deal with the fallout.” “The media keeps asking about Epstein, but now they’re just yelling at a lamp. Nobody can pin anything on a lamp. Checkmate.”

Reporters, however, were less impressed. “I asked about Trump’s 15 documented phone calls to Epstein in 2004, and the gaslight just… flickered,” said CNN’s Kaitlan Collins, visibly exasperated. “I think it was trying to tell me I’m imagining things.” Other journalists reported feeling strangely compelled to question their own recollection of the Epstein case after staring at the flame for too long.

The move has drawn mixed reactions from Capitol Hill. Senator Lindsey Graham called it “a stroke of genius,” noting that “a gaslight doesn’t leak to the press or write tell-all books.” Meanwhile, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez tweeted, “This is peak 2025. Trump’s out here gaslighting us with an actual gaslight. I need a nap.”

Fire safety concerns have also emerged, with the D.C. Fire Department issuing a statement urging the White House to “reconsider open flames in a room full of hot air.” The gaslight, however, remains operational, with aides reportedly refilling its fuel tank every four hours to keep it burning through marathon press briefings.

Trump has since doubled down, teasing plans to replace other staffers with “equally reliable objects.” Sources close to the former president suggest a fog machine is being considered for the role of Chief of Staff, while a Magic 8-Ball may soon oversee national security briefings.

As of press time, the gaslight had issued no official statement but was observed flickering slightly brighter when asked if it had any comment on Epstein’s private jet logs. The White House has scheduled its next briefing for Friday, with rumors swirling that a smoke detector may be brought in as a backup.

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