WASHINGTON, DC—President Donald Trump today released long-classified JFK assassination files that allegedly reveal Iran as the mastermind behind the 1963 killing of President John F. Kennedy. The bombshell revelation, delivered with Trump’s signature flair at a press conference in the White House Rose Garden, included the claim that Iran executed the plot using a camel-powered time machine, a detail that has sparked equal parts disbelief and delight.

“These files, folks, they’re tremendous, absolutely tremendous,” Trump declared, waving a stack of papers emblazoned with gold Sharpie doodles of his initials. “Everyone said, ‘Oh, it was the CIA, it was the Mafia, it was Lee Harvey Oswald in a lone wolf costume.’ Wrong! It was Iran, and they had the best technology—better than ours, frankly. A time machine! Powered by camels! Who knew?”

According to the documents, which Trump insists he personally declassified “faster than anyone in history,” Iranian agents from the future traveled back to November 22, 1963, via a rudimentary time-travel device fueled by “premium-grade desert camels.” The files allege that these agents, disguised as Dallas locals in ill-fitting cowboy hats, coordinated the assassination from a grassy knoll using a “camel-hair sniper rifle” that left no traceable evidence. The report conveniently explains the lack of physical proof by noting that the camels ate the rifle afterward.

The announcement came just weeks after Trump signed an executive order to release all remaining JFK files, fulfilling a campaign promise that had electrified his base and perplexed his critics. While many expected the documents to shed light on CIA or FBI involvement, the Iran-camel twist has thrown even the most seasoned tinfoil-hat wearers for a loop. “I’ve been saying it was aliens for years,” said Alex Jones, visibly shaken on his InfoWars broadcast. “But camels? That’s next-level. I need to rethink everything.”

Historians were quick to point out the absurdity of the claims. “Iran in 1963 was under the Shah, a U.S. ally, and had no motive or capability to pull this off,” said Dr. Linda Grayson of Georgetown University. “And a camel-powered time machine? That’s not even good science fiction—it’s more like a rejected script from a Trump casino variety show.” Undeterred, Trump countered that “the so-called experts don’t know history like I do—I’ve watched every episode of Ancient Aliens, twice.”

The White House has yet to release the full text of the files, citing “national security concerns” and the need to “protect the camels’ descendants.” However, Trump teased additional revelations, including a footnote claiming that Jacqueline Kennedy’s iconic pillbox hat was secretly a tracking device planted by Iranian spies. “She didn’t know,” Trump added solemnly. “Poor Jackie. Great lady, but clueless about hats.”

Reaction on Capitol Hill was predictably polarized. Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX), whose father Trump once linked to Oswald, praised the release as “a bold step toward transparency,” while subtly stroking his beard and muttering about “Persian grooming habits.” Meanwhile, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) took to social media, writing, “This is what happens when you let a reality TV star play historian. Next, he’ll say Iran invented the moon landing to frame Bigfoot.”

The Iranian government issued a rare statement denying the allegations, calling them “a fantastical distraction from America’s own chaos.” State media in Tehran suggested that if Iran had a time machine, “we’d have used it to stop Trump’s hair from happening, not to mess with Dallas.”

As the nation digests this surreal chapter in the JFK saga, Trump has promised more declassifications soon, hinting at files proving that Martin Luther King Jr.’s “I Have a Dream” speech was ghostwritten by a Martian and that Robert F. Kennedy was taken out by a rogue band of disco-dancing Soviets. “It’s all coming out, folks,” Trump concluded, grinning. “The truth is wilder than you can imagine. Believe me.”

For now, the public remains divided between those who see the Iran-camel theory as the ultimate vindication of decades of skepticism and those who suspect Trump might have misread a National Enquirer headline from 1987. Either way, one thing is clear: the grassy knoll just got a lot weirder.

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