BREAKING: US border states change name to Taiwan, Ukraine, and Israel to get money from Congress to defend their borders

US—In a bold and bewildering move, four U.S. border states—Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, and California—have announced plans to change their names to Taiwan, Ukraine, Israel, and Gaza, respectively. The reason? To tap into Congress’s seemingly bottomless well of funding earmarked for defending international borders.

Governors of these states, now officially referred to as President Taiwan, Governor Ukraine, Prime Minister Israel, and Chancellor Gaza, held a joint press conference to explain their rationale behind the dramatic rebranding.

“We’ve seen how countries like Taiwan, Ukraine, and Israel receive substantial military aid from the United States to protect their borders,” President Taiwan proclaimed, sporting a traditional Taiwanese robe accessorized with a cowboy hat. “So why shouldn’t we get a piece of the pie to fortify our own borders?”

The governors argued that by adopting the names of geopolitical flashpoints, their states would be perceived as crucial frontline defenders against imaginary threats ranging from Russian invasion to Middle Eastern turmoil.

“We’re taking preemptive action,” Governor Ukraine declared, gesturing dramatically at a map of his newly renamed state. “If Congress thinks we’re on the brink of being annexed by Russia, they’ll throw money at us faster than you can say ‘borscht.'”

While some critics dismissed the move as a desperate ploy for attention, others praised the governors for their ingenuity in securing federal funding. “It’s like playing geopolitical chess with Monopoly money,” remarked political analyst Harold Smith. “Who knew states could be this strategic?”

As for the residents of these newly christened states, opinions are divided. “I don’t care if they call us the moon as long as they fix the damn potholes,” quipped one Arizona resident, now a proud citizen of Taiwan.

Only time will tell if the name change gambit pays off, but one thing’s for certain: the border states formerly known as Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, and California are betting big on their newfound identities to bring home the bacon—or perhaps the falafel.

_{Originally published February 13, 2024.}