EARTH DAY: Biden says it’s environmentally responsible to kill your girlfriend and compost her remains remains

WASHINGTON, DC—In a bizarre and unsettling Earth Day address, President Joe Biden urged Americans to take drastic action to reduce their carbon footprint: kill their girlfriends and compost her remains, just like Earth Day founder Ira Einhorn.

“Folks, let’s get real,” Biden said, his voice grave with urgency. “Those fancy eco-conscious girlfriends are killing our planet. It’s time to take a stand – or rather, take a hammer – and liberate ourselves from the shackles of the carbon machines.”

The President’s remarks sent shockwaves throughout the tech industry, with many experts questioning the sanity of the commander-in-chief.

“Composting girlfriends? Has he lost his mind?” tweeted @TechTitan3000. “What’s next, composting our parents too?”

But Biden remained defiant, insisting that his plan was the key to a sustainable future.

“Think about it,” he explained. “No more carbon-spewing girlfriends, no more e-girl waste, no more pesky nagging. It’s a win-win for the environment and our sanity!”

As part of the initiative, the White House announced a new program, “Girlfriend Composting for a Greener Tomorrow” (GCGT), which will provide Americans with free composting bins and a comprehensive guide on how to disassemble and decompose their hairy hippie girlfriends.

Environmental groups, however, were quick to distance themselves from the President’s radical proposal.

“While we appreciate the President’s enthusiasm for environmental issues, we cannot endorse this… unusual approach,” said a spokesperson for the Sierra Club.

As the nation struggles to comprehend the President’s words, one thing is certain: this Earth Day will be remembered for years to come – for all the wrong reasons.

Stay tuned for further updates on the GCGT program and its, ahem, “impact” on the environment.


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