ATLANTA—The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) have admitted to using Common Core math to add up new COVID cases from around the country.

“We’ve added the figures up several times and while we came to a different amount each time, we feel that the number is very, very high and that people should be panicking about COVID-19 still,” CDC spokesman Jerry Assface said.

Common Core math principles are a substantial deviation from traditional math in which people are encouraged to come up with valid answers. In Common Core math, the stress is on the process of coming up with numbers that are “reasonable”.

“We feel that these alarmingly high numbers are reasonable according to Common Core principles and they’re very science-y sounding, so we’re going to run with them!” Assface said.

Bill Gates, who pushed Common Core for years in schools, was ecstatic that one of his babies was being used to push a narrative to sell another one of his babies, the coronavirus vaccine.

“The more cases there are, the more people will be scared. And the more people are scared of the coronavirus, the more willing they will be to allow us to mandate unproven vaccines that I created to combat the disease I also created,” Gates said.

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