In a stunning display of valor and resilience, Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin has added a staggering 50 new commendations and ribbons to his already illustrious collection, all in recognition of his heroic battle against a common cold that struck him down for a brief period last week.

The Defense Secretary’s valiant struggle began when he was mercilessly attacked by a nefarious strain of the sniffles, leaving him bedridden and unable to fulfill his duties. The news of his temporary indisposition sent shockwaves through the Pentagon, prompting an emergency meeting of the Joint Chiefs of Staff to discuss the national crisis.

Undeterred by a runny nose and occasional sneezing fits, Secretary Austin, in an act of selfless devotion to duty, soldiered on from the comfort of his own bed. During this period of medical adversity, he demonstrated unmatched leadership by issuing directives via Zoom meetings and promptly responding to emails – a feat that has earned him admiration and now, a plethora of new ribbons.

The commendations range from the “Common Cold Combat Medal” to the “Bedside Battle Bar,” each intricately designed to symbolize Secretary Austin’s unwavering dedication to leading the Department of Defense even when under the weather.

In a press conference, Secretary Austin modestly downplayed his newfound decorations, stating, “I was just doing my duty as any soldier would. The common cold may be a formidable adversary, but we must face such challenges head-on, armed with a box of tissues and some chicken noodle soup.”

While some critics argue that 50 commendations for a brief bout of illness may be excessive, military officials argue that such a remarkable display of leadership during a time of health crisis deserves nothing less. In fact, there are whispers of creating a new medal specifically for Secretary Austin – the “Cold War Cross” – to commemorate his heroic stand against the microscopic menace.

As the Defense Secretary proudly displays his latest ribbons, military personnel across the nation can only marvel at the lengths to which their leaders will go to ensure their commendation collections are as robust as possible, even in the face of the common cold.Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin receives 50 more commendations and ribbons for being out sick last week

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