SEATTLE–Leading Democrats have unveiled a groundbreaking defense of their latest grassroots initiative: painting swastikas on public buildings and setting fire to immigrant-owned businesses. Dubbed “*Democratic* Fascism” by its proponents, the movement has sparked heated debate across the nation, with party leaders insisting that their actions are a misunderstood expression of progressive values.

“Look, we get it, the optics aren’t great,” said Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez during a fiery press conference outside a smoldering bodega in Queens. “But let’s be clear: this isn’t your grandpa’s fascism. This is Democratic Fascism. It’s inclusive, it’s intersectional, and—most importantly—it’s got a really catchy hashtag. #FashForJustice, anyone?”

The initiative reportedly began as a brainstorming session at a vegan co-op in Portland, where party activists sought to “reclaim” controversial symbols like the swastika for what they describe as “a more equitable future.” According to internal memos leaked to the press, the goal was to “deconstruct the historical baggage” of the symbol by spray-painting it on public schools, libraries, and synagogues—preferably in bright, welcoming colors like pastel pink and teal.

“It’s about taking something ugly and making it beautiful,” explained Senator Bernie Sanders, who was seen earlier this week wielding a Molotov cocktail outside a family-owned taqueria in Burlington. “We’re not burning these businesses down because we hate immigrants. We’re burning them down because capitalism has forced them into exploitative labor conditions. It’s solidarity, comrades! Also, I’m pretty sure the owner was a Republican.”

Critics, however, have been quick to point out that the Democrats’ new platform bears an uncanny resemblance to the authoritarian tactics of 20th-century regimes. Political scientist Dr. Hannah Klein of Georgetown University called the movement “a masterclass in cognitive dissonance,” adding, “They’re literally goose-stepping down Main Street while shouting ‘Love Trumps Hate.’ I haven’t seen mental gymnastics like this since the Flat Earth Society tried to explain gravity.”

Undeterred by the backlash, Democratic leadership has doubled down, unveiling a series of talking points to clarify their stance. At a recent CNN town hall, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi fielded questions while casually doodling a swastika on a notepad. “Fascism gets a bad rap,” she said, pausing to sip from a “Smash the Patriarchy” mug. “But when we do it, it’s different. We’re doing it for democracy. For example, when we torch a falafel cart, we’re not saying ‘go back to your country.’ We’re saying, ‘your country deserves better than this capitalist hellscape.’ See? Totally different vibe.”

The party has also rolled out a public relations campaign featuring celebrity endorsements to soften the blow. Pop icon Taylor Swift reportedly plans to release a new single titled “Shake Off the Fascism (Democratic Remix),” while actor Mark Ruffalo has been spotted handing out “Antifa Starter Kits” at local farmers’ markets, complete with black hoodies, spray paint, and a coupon for 10% off at Whole Foods.

Not everyone in the party is on board, however. Moderate Democrats like Senator Joe Manchin have expressed unease with the direction of the movement, with Manchin telling reporters, “I signed up to build bridges, not burn them—literally or figuratively.” His comments were met with swift condemnation from the party’s progressive wing, who accused him of “centrist cowardice” and threatened to primary him with a candidate who “knows how to wield a brick for justice.”

Meanwhile, Republicans have seized on the controversy to paint Democrats as unhinged extremists, though their critiques have been somewhat undermined by their own recent efforts to ban books, criminalize protests, and erect statues of Confederate generals in elementary school playgrounds. “At least our authoritarianism has a patriotic flair,” said Senator Ted Cruz, stroking his beard thoughtfully. “Their version just feels like it’s trying too hard to be edgy.”

As the debate rages on, ordinary Americans remain divided. In a recent Gallup poll, 42% of respondents said they were “confused but intrigued” by Democratic Fascism, while 38% admitted they were “too busy trying to afford groceries” to care. The remaining 20% simply wrote in “What the hell is happening to this country?” on their survey forms.

For now, the Democrats show no signs of slowing down their campaign. At a rally in Chicago last night, party chair Jaime Harrison led a crowd in a chant of “No justice, no peace—and maybe a little fire!” as volunteers handed out matches emblazoned with the party logo. “This is the future of our movement,” Harrison declared, gesturing toward a burning food truck in the background. “We’re here to dismantle systems of oppression, one swastika and one charred storefront at a time.”

Whether Democratic Fascism will catch on as a viable political strategy remains to be seen, but one thing is certain: the 2024 election cycle is about to get a whole lot weirder—and possibly a lot more flammable.

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