Democrats take a break from worshipping a fentanyl-addict as a god to say they don’t want a king
Democrats have briefly stepped away from their hallowed George Floyd shrines—complete with votive candles and murals of dubious artistic merit—to protest the nonexistent threat of an American monarchy. The party that once knelt in unison, Kente cloths draped over their shoulders, to honor a man with a fentanyl habit and a rap sheet longer than a CVS receipt, is now clutching its collective pearls at the mere whisper of a king.
The uproar began when a tongue-in-cheek X post suggested America could use a monarch to “fix the chaos.” The joke, adorned with a winking emoji, sailed over the heads of the blue-check brigade, who promptly formed “No Kings, Just Feels,” a coalition dedicated to stopping this royal non-issue. “A king? Unelected? Telling us what to do? That’s tyranny!” cried activist Skyler, who in 2020 spent weeks curating a Floyd altar with ethically sourced sage and biodegradable glitter. When pressed on why elevating a flawed figure to godlike status was fine but a symbolic monarch was not, Skyler mumbled about “systemic vibes” and offered a QR code to her Venmo for reparations.
At a recent rally in Seattle, protesters waved signs reading “Down with Crowns!” while sipping $8 oat milk lattes from a pop-up coffee cart. One demonstrator, who goes by “Zest,” attempted to burn a cardboard scepter but was stopped by organizers citing carbon emissions. Instead, they graffitied “ABOLISH ROYALTY” on a Tesla dealership, which promptly sold out of Model Ys to the same crowd. “We’re fighting for democracy,” Zest declared, wearing a “Saint George” T-shirt priced at $40, with proceeds going to a local crystal shop.
The No Kings, Just Feels crew plans a “decolonized poetry slam” next, vowing to “dismantle royalist energy.” When asked if they’d kneel during the event, Skyler paused, then said, “Only if the ancestors demand it.” Somewhere, a satirist is cackling.
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