Most people are aware that Sen. Elizabeth Warren, front runner for the 2020 Democratic nomination for president, is a true blue Native American Cherokee. Those who aren’t aware will soon be as the senator will celebrate Indigenous People’s Day by scalping 6 of her political enemies.

“I know the DNA test wasn’t very impressive and said I only had 1/1024th Native blood,” Warren said in a conference with bloodthirsty eyes, “but I will prove to the world that I’m as indigenous as they come!”

The campaign didn’t clarify which political enemies she would target for the scalping, only suggesting that they would make much better trophies than all her fetal remains collected from abortion clinics.

“I really hope she scalps Bernie Sanders,” Hunter Billups of Boston said. “I know he doesn’t have much hair, but I think that would make a great story and really knock him out of contention.”

Warren’s promise came after several Californian cities declared they were celebrating the holiday by sacrificing several live humans to the climate god.

About Author

Exavier Saskagoochie

Exavier is an excellent writer—tremendous. He’s really very, very talented. And his hair is really great too. He should have a couple Pulitzers under his belt by now if there was any justice. If he brightened your day at all please consider tipping a coffee or a leg of mutton through this link!

See author's posts