I recently visited a beach in the progressive utopia of California and what do you think I saw? I’ll tell you what—white people trying to look darker by getting a sun tan.

I am literally shaking at the amount of oppressive cultural appropriation this represents.

Melanin is beautiful and the fact that white people don’t have much means that there is something wrong with them. But trying to appear like black people is cultural appropriation—no two ways about it. It must be outlawed immediately.

I expected more from California.

To be perfectly progressive, I hereby demand that all attractive women who are not people of color wear full-body smocks while on the beach. I do it and it’s not because I’m trying to cover up my fat rolls. It’s because I’m not a bigot.

If you don’t wear a full body mumu—a burqa will do nicely too—then you are a bigot too.

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