Google offers aversion therapy for conservative employees who slipped through the cracks

After several complaints by Google employees that a manager mentioned the deeply problematic and homophobic word “family”, the company (NASDAQ: GOOG) will be offering aversion therapy for any conservative or Christian employees who slipped through their screening process.

Bill Frank, a spokesman for the company offered an apology to employees after the incident. “We are profoundly sorry for allowing an employee to mention the unspeakable word, ‘family’ and understand that it does violence to other employees. In addition to offering counseling services to those who were traumatized by the horrifically conservative words, we will be strongly urging aversion therapy for the transgressors.”

The aversion therapy will consist of the employee being  injected with nausea-inducing drugs while being forced to look at pictures and videos of traditional families. The procedure, called the Ludovico Technique, was popularized in the ’70s film A Clockwork Orange.

“These people who go around saying problematic things like ‘family’ and ‘parents’ are really clearly homophobes who want to deny the existence of anyone who doesn’t fit into their deeply sociopathic framework,” a Google employee who goes by the name Bubbles said. “They need to be converted so that they understand that not everyone has ‘parents’ and not everyone came from a ‘family’.”

“We at Google are committed to making everyone feel like they belong–except of course any conservative or Christian,” Frank added.

The Google aversion therapy will take place on the main campus in Mountain View, California next to the massage room.