MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—The Google Headquarters shut down Monday after a delivery man cheerfully wished a receptionist a “Merry Christmas”. All employees were evacuated and the victims were all placed in immediate quarantine.

“It was terrifying,” one Google employee who wished to remain anonymous said. “We inoculate against that holiday that will go unnamed, we never put it on our homepage doodle or on our workplace calendar, and we do our best to make sure there are no accidentally mentions of it at all. We just didn’t expect to be exposed to accidental good will and joy like that.”

The delivery man said he was was just doing his normal rounds and felt like it was a nice thing to say and to, “You know, spread some joy.”

But little did he know of the havoc it would unleash.

The emergency biohazard sirens throughout the complex sounded and all safety managers ushered employees out of their respective offices.

The receptionist was bawling. People were screaming. One guy even jumped out of a window to avoid contamination to the contagious spirit of peace and giving.

“We had a pretty bad scare earlier this year when someone suggested that men and women were different,” Fred Kazinski said. “But talking about a Christian holiday is way worse.”

“It’s happy holidays, people!” Director of Marketing Sam Pinker said. “Do you realize the suffering you cause if you don’t stick to the politically correct terminology?”

There were no fatalities though several employees are on sick leave for symptoms of PTSD.

_{Originally published Dec. 9, 2019}

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