NEW YORK—After the Census reported that NY is set to lose a seat in the House of Representatives, Gov. Andrew Cuomo (Serial Killer-NY) has partnered with various medical organizations to help resurrect 89 nursing home patients who died under his watch, which is the exact number of people needed to gain back its congressional seat.

“Had I known NY would lose a congressional seat, I would never have put COVID-positive patients into nursing homes,” Cuomo said. “Now I realize the error of my ways, and I’m trying to fix that, at least somewhat. If we can just resurrect 89 of those nursing home patients, we can gain back our House seat. I’m partnering with medical organizations nationwide, therefore, to help me make that a reality.”

Immediately following his remarks, Gov. Cuomo was bombarded with hundreds of copies of the United States Constitution, which seemingly came out of nowhere. Article I of the Constitution came out especially harsh, delivering blow after blow to the governor’s face and legs. Then the Bill of Rights followed up with a 1-2 knockout punch, knocking him out to the ground.

The governor sustained major bruises and lacerations across his body. He will be taken to Independence Hall to be treated for his civics injuries.

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Rafi Metz

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