A symposium sponsored by the International Global Warming Trust was cancelled today in Michigan as temperatures dipped below -50 degrees F. Experts were quick to dispel the notion that low temperatures meant that their theory of global warming was incorrect.
Greta Thunberg, teen climate activist, had hitched a ride on a hot air balloon powered by her own fiery breath to arrive at the conference in order to yell, “How dare you?” at everyone only to be turned away with hypothermia.
“No, you see you’re not nuanced enough,” Klaus Fullofit of Norway said in a post-conference interview. “The fact that it’s so cold doesn’t mean that the planet is not warming. Only in your unscientific mind is that the case.”
When journalists asked whether they should be conducting the interview outside, Fullofit became irate.
“It’s not cold, dammit! It’s actually warmer than ever. This is the hottest it’s ever been!”
“You see,” a colleague Jonah Bullarky said, “the warmth pushes the cold up toward the poles and creates the polar vortex that swings down and makes it colder, but it’s not colder everywhere, just in the vortex. And even if it were actually colder than it’s ever been across the entire planet, our theory would still be right because that’s what’s paying the bills.”
Thunberg was caught barking at anyone who dared come near her, “How dare you? You have frozen my dreams and childhood into little ice cubes. How dare you?”
Data show that the sun has entered a solar minimum, which could explain lower temperatures but Fullofit and Bullarky reject that explanation.
“You are a simple-minded denier. Global cooling is caused by global warming because science.”
It was so cold that the participants’ sense of irony broke.
“Next year, we’re holding the conference in August!” Fullofit said before jumping into a nearby frozen river.
Originally published Nov. 12, 2019.