Everyone hears about the “new normal”, which is to replace the “old normal” which nobody thought was “normal” in the first place. Still, we must press on. Here at Genesius Times, we’ve worked diligently with the CDC and top national proctologists to determine what exactly that new normal will look like going forward. We think you’re going to love it!
New Normal: Everyone will be required to be enclosed in a zorb bubble which will ensure the proper six feet separation between you and strangers. The zorb bubbles will be absolutely enforced in grocery stores or other places where the bubble will restrict your use of hands. You will only be able to exit the bubble in your house or when jumping off a bridge to escape the new normal.
New Normal: All restaurants will now be required to offer soundproof isolation booths harvested from old TV shows. Each will have its own Helium supply so you can have fun trying to order. Food will be delivered by Saint Bernards recently released from rehab. All meals accompanied by spring-fed artisanal water from Flint Michigan.
New Normal: Any sexual encounters will now be mandated to have plexiglass between participants—what is being dubbed as “sexiglass”. Holes will be placed as appropriate and after the action, they can be used as ‘slip-n-slides. No comment as of yet from Whammo.
New Normal: From the CDC ‘Office of Scarves’, all those made in America will be made from Wuhan Bat foreskins. They will aid in herd immunity, are surprisingly colorful and more importantly, there is a glut of bat foreskins in Wuhan right now. People in China use this as a fun exercise. Try this at home kids! Lopping the little sucker off is not as easy as it sounds.
New Normal: All ventilators will incorporate a hamster wheel. With the anticipated summer brownouts in NYC, this was felt by Gov. Andrew Cuomo as just being ‘Smart’. Eight-year-olds have been put on notice.
New Normal: Endangered species list includes Cruise salesmen, batmobiles, pandemic movies, scientific models, indoor restaurants, jumbo airliners, New York, epidemiologists, waiting lines, actual heroes……..