Harris Promises That Any Americans Who Die In WWIII Won’t Have To Repay Their Student Loans
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following President* Biden’s plan, Vice President* Kamala Harris has assured the public that any U.S. citizens who perish in the upcoming World War III will be fully exempt from repaying their student loans.
Speaking from the White House Rose Garden, Harris addressed the mounting fears of global conflict while simultaneously tackling the ever-growing issue of student debt.
“We understand the concerns many Americans have about their financial future,” Harris said with her trademark cackle. “And we want to let everyone know that if you happen to lose your life in a nuclear war or while defending freedom on foreign soil, you will no longer be burdened by the crushing weight of your student loans. It’s the least we can do.”
The announcement was met with mixed reactions, with some Americans applauding the administration’s “innovative” approach to debt relief, while others noted it might not be the solution they were hoping for.
“Finally, a plan that addresses both our student debt and our existential dread about dying in an apocalyptic war,” said Chloe Thompson, a recent college graduate with $100,000 in loans. “I mean, sure, I’d prefer to stay alive and maybe get a job that pays enough to cover my rent and groceries, but I guess this is… something?”
When asked if the administration had any plans for survivors of WWIII who might still be struggling with loan repayments, Harris reassured them with her signature smile. “Look, anyone who survives the nuclear fallout can just sign up for one of our great repayment plans. We have plenty of options!”
The new proposal also includes provisions for those who might suffer minor injuries or radiation exposure but make it through. “In case you don’t die but are severely maimed, we’ll consider extending deferment options,” Harris added. “We want to be flexible.”
The Department of Education, meanwhile, is reportedly drafting a new application form titled “Death Discharge for Global Conflict Casualties” that borrowers can fill out posthumously. “If you don’t make it back from the front lines, we’ll be sure to waive all late fees,” said an Education Department spokesperson.
Not to be outdone, President Biden issued a brief statement backing the initiative, saying, “Look, folks, it’s a win-win. If you don’t die, you still get to live in America—where we’re building back better. And if you do die… well, no more debt! That’s a promise.”
As tensions continue to rise globally, some Americans are now left with a bittersweet sense of relief, knowing that their death in WWIII will at least come with the perk of being student-loan-free. For now, that’s as close to a silver lining as anyone’s getting.
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