WASHINGTON, DC— A federal grand jury in Washington, D.C., has indicted former President Donald Trump in the criminal investigation into his alleged efforts to overturn the results of the 2020 presidential election. Curious as to what exactly he’s being indicted for? We have the inside scoop:

1. He was in DC on Jan. 6 every year of his presidency – 4 years in prison.
2. He ate an extra scoop of ice cream while the rioters stormed the capitol – 2 years in prison.
3. He drank diet coke while the rioters stormed the capitol – 2 years in prison.
4. He used the restroom multiple times during the day while the rioters stormed the capitol – 10 years in prison.
5. He called for peace and an end to the rioting – 5 years in prison.
6. He hasn’t sufficiently mourned the events of Jan. 6 – 25 years in prison.
7. He oversaw a peaceful transition of power after leaving the White House – 15 years in prison.

If convicted, Trump could be facing up to 63 years in federal prison. We’ll keep you posted as new updates come in.

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Rafi Metz

Rafi is the king of satire, a master of his trade. Nobody is immune to his hyperbolic and satirical outrage. Nobody is spared from being the object of his incessant mockery. Because at the end of the day, everyone is a parody of themselves.

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