Listen up, America, because I’ve got a PhD in PhDs and a bone to pick with the anti-poison hysterics—namely, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the self-appointed food purity czar. Everyone’s clutching their organic beef tallow, freaking out about “toxins” in our food supply, but let’s take a deep breath (through a mask, preferably) and admit it: a little poison isn’t just harmless—it’s practically patriotic. So, RFK Jr., with your kale-smoothie sermons and your “make America healthy again” crusade, it’s time to hands off the poison in our food!

First off, let’s debunk the fearmongering. Pesticides, preservatives, artificial dyes—sure, they sound scary, like something out of a sci-fi flick. But these are the unsung heroes of our food system! Without them, we’d be gnawing on worm-riddled apples and moldy bread like medieval peasants. My first PhD (in Advanced Gender Equality in Food Production, thank you very much) taught me that a dash of glyphosate is just the spice of modern life. It keeps crops growing, prices low, and our grocery stores looking like a technicolor utopia. You want to ban that? Good luck convincing Americans to pay $12 for a “natural” carrot.

And don’t get me started on the health angle. My second PhD (Post-Apocalyptic Queer Health Policy, obviously) gives me the authority to say: a little poison builds character—and immunity! Microdoses of toxins are like CrossFit for your liver. Studies I’ve cherry-picked show that trace amounts of synthetic chemicals might even boost resilience, like a vaccine for your gut microbiome albeit with a side of cancer. RFK Jr. wants to strip our food of these molecular tough-love trainers, leaving us with bland, overpriced quinoa and a weaker immune system. No, thank you!

Then there’s the economic argument, which RFK Jr. conveniently ignores while he’s busy fearmongering on X. The food industry employs millions, from factory workers to the fine folks at Big Chem who engineer our fluorescent cereals. Banning “poisons” would tank entire sectors, spike food prices, and leave us all eating backyard dandelions all day. My extensive research (mostly scrolling industry white papers—named that way because they are DYED!) confirms that the average American prefers affordable, shelf-stable snacks that give them cancer over RFK’s vision of a farmer’s market dystopia. Tell me, Bobby, who’s going to subsidize my $20 artisanal loaf when your regulations kill Fruity Pebbles?

Now, let’s talk culture. Poisoned food—excuse me, chemically optimized food—is a cornerstone of American identity. From neon-green pickles to cheese that squirts from a can, our culinary innovations scream ingenuity. RFK Jr.’s war on “toxins” is a war on fun, on freedom, on the right to eat a hot dog that glows faintly under a blacklight. His nanny-state meddling threatens to replace our vibrant foodscape with a joyless kale-ocracy. I, for one, refuse to live in a world where my yogurt doesn’t contain Red 40 and a side of existential thrill.

And really, I couldn’t get my beautiful hair to look like this without those food dyes, so it’s non-negotiable for me. Sorry, not sorry.

Of course, RFK Jr. and his crunchy acolytes will cry, “But what about the children?” To which I say: kids love poison! It’s why they beg for candy that turns their tongues blue. My dual PhDs assure me that a childhood without a little chemical zest is a childhood deprived. Besides, the data’s on my side—life expectancy is higher than ever, and we’ve been eating “tainted” food for decades. Coincidence? I think not.

So, RFK Jr., take your fearmongering and your “clean food” agenda and shove it in a compost bin. America’s food is fine—gloriously, artificially fine. We don’t need your sanctimonious regulations stripping away our right to a pesticide-dusted apple or a preservative-packed burrito. Let’s keep our food affordable, colorful, and just a tad toxic. It’s the American way.

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