Hunter Biden has legally changed his name to “Nobody” in order to be consistent with all the prominent Democrats who have asserted that “nobody is above the law.” Biden, ever the contrarian and occasional performance artist, insists the name change is his way of “helping the party stay consistent with its messaging.”

At a hastily organized press conference outside a Delaware courthouse, the president’s son, now officially Nobody Biden, addressed the swarm of reporters. Clad in a suit that was suspiciously free of wrinkles and drama, he explained, “Look, I’ve heard it from my father, from Merrick Garland, from Nancy Pelosi, and even from MSNBC. ‘Nobody is above the law.’ I figured, why fight it? I am Nobody.”

Nobody Biden clarified that this decision was not made under duress or legal advice. “Some people think I did this to dodge subpoenas. That’s ridiculous. Subpoenas are just invitations with deadlines,” he quipped.

Republicans React: “Nobody Is Literally Untouchable Now”

Republicans, unsurprisingly, were quick to pounce. House Speaker Mike Johnson immediately released a statement calling the name change “a direct assault on the rule of law.” “If Nobody is above the law, then does this mean Hunter—I mean, Nobody—is now immune? The semantic loopholes here are staggering.”

Fox News quickly ran a chyron reading, “Biden Family Shenanigans Reach Orwellian Levels.” Tucker Carlson, now hosting Tucker on Twitter, argued that the move was “a dystopian ploy to confuse the courts and the public.”

Senator Ted Cruz went so far as to file legislation tentatively titled the “Nobody Acts Above the Law Act,” though aides have confirmed he’s still working on the acronym.

Democratic Strategists Applaud “Genius Branding”

Meanwhile, Democratic strategists are reportedly divided. Some hail the name change as a “3D chess move” to neutralize Republican attacks. “Every time someone says ‘Nobody is above the law,’ they’re endorsing Hunter’s accountability,” said one anonymous strategist. “It’s like the ultimate legal judo.”

Others, however, worry about the precedent. “What if Eric Trump changes his name to ‘Somebody’?” asked one staffer. “Are we prepared for that rhetorical chaos?”

The Legal Fallout

Legal scholars are equally perplexed. “This is unprecedented,” said Professor Linda Goodyear from Yale Law School. “Technically, if a court ruling states that ‘Nobody is guilty,’ it could trigger a constitutional crisis—or at least a really confusing episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.”

President Biden Reacts

When asked for comment, President Joe Biden appeared supportive but slightly bewildered. “Well, look, Jack, if my boy wants to be Nobody, then Nobody he shall be. You know, back in Scranton, we had a guy named Nobody. He was a swell guy. Delivered newspapers. Real salt of the earth.”

Final Word

As the debate rages on, one thing is certain: Nobody Biden has successfully turned a perennial political talking point into the ultimate troll. Whether his move is an act of brilliance, desperation, or just another Biden family eccentricity, it’s clear that Nobody—not even Nobody—is above making headlines.

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