Dublin, Ireland – The Irish government announced today a staggering 125% tariff on all goods imported from the United States, effective immediately, until the US agrees to “take Rosie O’Donnell back.” The announcement, delivered by Taoiseach Seamus O’Flannery during a press conference in a Galway pub, has sparked a global uproar—and a fair bit of giggling.

“No thanks, she’s your problem now.” Said a smiling President Trump. In an unprecedented diplomatic move, the Prime Minister flew to D.C. to meet the President and beg for O’Donnell’s return.

“Look, lads, we’ve been grand with the Yanks for years,” O’Flannery said, pausing to sip a pint of Guinness. “We took their tourists, their dodgy reality TV, even their questionable notions of ‘Irish’ stew. But Rosie O’Donnell? That’s where we draw the line. She’s been here for six months, doing stand-up in Kilkenny, and we’re bleedin’ knackered from her. Either ye take her back, or ye’ll be paying through the nose for your Taytos and Barry’s Tea.”

The origins of this peculiar trade dispute remain murky, but sources close to the Irish government claim it began when O’Donnell arrived in Ireland earlier this year, claiming ancestral ties to County Cork and a burning desire to “live her truth” by opening a potato-themed comedy club. While initially welcomed with open arms—and a few free spuds—her presence reportedly began to grate on locals after she insisted on pronouncing “craic” as “crack” and attempted to replace traditional Irish stew with a kale-based vegan alternative.

“She tried to convince us that shamrocks are just tiny cabbages,” said local farmer Paddy McGinty, shaking his head in disbelief. “Then she started doing her stand-up routine at the pub every bloody night—two hours of yelling about Trump and her stint on The View. I’d rather listen to a banshee with a karaoke machine.”

The Irish government, sensing a growing unrest among its citizens, decided to take drastic action. The 125% tariff will apply to all American imports, from tech gadgets to fast food, with particularly harsh levies on items deemed “culturally offensive,” such as Lucky Charms cereal (“a mockery of our sacred leprechauns”) and canned corned beef (“an abomination to our ancestors”). The move has already sent shockwaves through the global economy, with US trade representatives scrambling to respond.

“This is an outrageous overreach!” bellowed US Commerce Secretary Wilbur Griddle, slamming his fist on a desk littered with McDonald’s wrappers. “We’re not taking Rosie back just because the Irish can’t handle her! She’s a national treasure—or at least she was on A League of Their Own. Besides, we’ve got enough loudmouths over here already.”

Oddly, Rep. Hank Johnson defended the P.M.’s move to save Ireland from tipping over with the girthy loudmouth American.

Meanwhile, Irish citizens have taken to the streets in a mixture of protest and celebration, waving signs that read “Rosie Go Home!” and “No More Kale Stew!” Pubs across the country have begun hosting “Tariff Parties,” where patrons pay double for American whiskey while singing traditional ballads about the evils of Hollywood. One Dublin bar even introduced a new cocktail called the “O’Donnell Deport,” a fiery blend of poteen and regret.

Rosie O’Donnell herself has remained defiant, taking to social media to defend her Irish escapade. “I’m not leaving!” she tweeted from her temporary residence in a thatched cottage outside Limerick. “I’m one-sixteenth Irish, and I’ve got a right to be here! Also, my potato comedy club is gonna be YUGE. Wait till you see my spud-based slapstick routine—it’s a real tuber tickler!”

As the standoff continues, international observers are left wondering how this bizarre trade war will play out. Some speculate that the US might retaliate with tariffs of its own, potentially targeting Irish exports like whiskey, wool sweaters, and Bono’s sunglasses. Others suggest a diplomatic solution, perhaps involving a high-stakes comedy roast where O’Donnell faces off against Ireland’s sharpest wits in a battle for cultural supremacy.

For now, though, the Irish government remains resolute. “We’ve survived famines, invasions, and the Celtic Tiger crash,” O’Flannery declared, raising his pint to a cheering crowd. “We’ll not be brought low by a loud American with a potato obsession. Take her back, or ye’ll be paying 125% extra for your shamrock-shaped tat from now till kingdom come!”

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