In a shocking twist that absolutely no one saw coming (except maybe the internet), Joy Reid, former MSNBC host and self-proclaimed arbiter of all things racially charged, has broken her silence after being unceremoniously dumped by the network. In an exclusive interview with herself—because who else could handle such a scoop?—Reid revealed the real reason behind her firing: she didn’t call people racist hard enough.

“I gave it my all,” Reid sobbed into a mirror, clutching a dog-eared copy of The 1619 Project like a lifeline. “I called out systemic racism in everything—breakfast cereal, traffic lights, the weather—but apparently, I wasn’t aggressive enough. MSNBC wanted me to go full Hulk-smash on every white person in America, and I just couldn’t keep up.”

Sources close to the situation, who definitely exist and aren’t just voices in Reid’s head, say the network brass had grown tired of her “softball” approach. “She’d say stuff like, ‘This policy might have problematic undertones,’ when they wanted her to scream, ‘All your grandmas are Klansmen!’” whispered an anonymous insider over a burner phone. “They needed someone who could make racism stick to Teflon-coated suburbanites, and Joy was only at, like, 80% venom.”

Reid’s departure comes after a string of increasingly bizarre segments, including one where she accused the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade of “perpetuating colonial float supremacy” and another where she suggested the moon’s whiteness was a deliberate slight against marginalized communities. Critics—well, X users mostly—say her firing had less to do with her racism-calling quota and more to do with viewers fleeing faster than rats from a sinking ship. “Her show was less news and more interpretive dance about oppression,” one user quipped online, while another added, “I didn’t know you could get paid to yell ‘racist’ at clouds.”

MSNBC has remained tight-lipped, issuing a vague statement about “evolving programming needs” and “exploring new voices,” which everyone assumes means they’re hunting for someone who can out-shout Reid’s decibel levels. Rumor has it they’ve already approached a megaphone-wielding street preacher from Times Square as a potential replacement.

Undeterred, Reid vows to bounce back. “I’m taking my talents to TikTok,” she declared, adjusting her signature glasses for maximum gravitas. “There, I can call out Racism 2.0—microaggressions in 60 seconds or less. MSNBC will regret letting go of the woman who once called a toaster a white supremacist.”

Meanwhile, fans of Reid—yes, they apparently exist—have launched a #JusticeForJoy campaign, trending briefly on X before being drowned out by memes of her glaring at a bagel. Detractors, however, celebrated with posts like, “Finally, some peace from the racism police,” proving once again that the internet remains a godforsaken—er, desolate—place.

As for MSNBC, insiders hint the network might pivot to a less polarizing format, like 24/7 coverage of paint drying. “It’s less controversial,” one exec reportedly muttered, “and honestly, it’d still get better ratings.”

Reid’s next move remains unclear, but one thing’s certain: wherever she lands, she’ll bring her trusty racism radar—and maybe a louder megaphone. Stay tuned. Or don’t. Your call.

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