WASHINGTON, D.C.— In a bold and unprecedented move, Vice President Kamala Harris has announced that she will be paying herself $1 billion in reparations for the actions of her ancestors, who owned slaves. The decision comes as part of a personal commitment to address historical injustices.

“It was a major injustice what my ancestors did, and so I’m not going to stop until I pay myself $1 billion in reparations,” Harris declared in a press conference. “It is centuries of slavery by my ancestors, which was a form of violence where women were raped, where children were taken from their parents—violence associated with slavery.”

Harris elaborated on the profound impact of her ancestors’ actions, stating, “And that never—there was never any real intervention to break up what had been generations of people experiencing the highest forms of trauma. And trauma, undiagnosed and untreated, leads to physiological outcomes. So as a strong independent Black woman, I deserve reparations from myself.”

The announcement has sparked a flurry of reactions. Supporters praise Harris for her commitment to addressing historical wrongs in a deeply personal way. “This is a testament to Kamala’s dedication to justice and equality,” said her spokesperson, Equity Justica. “She is setting an example for others to follow, demonstrating that accountability begins at home.”

Critics, however, are baffled by the move. “I’m not sure how paying herself $1 billion accomplishes anything,” commented political analyst Sam Eagle. “It seems more like a bizarre financial loop than a meaningful gesture of reparations.”

Harris’s plan includes a detailed payment schedule, where she will transfer funds from her savings account to her checking account in increments of $100,000,000 over ten months. “It’s important to pace myself,” Harris noted. “Reparations are a marathon, not a sprint.”

The Vice President also hinted at future plans to address other historical injustices. “I might start paying myself back for all the times my ancestors oppressed women and minorities in various ways,” she mused. “The possibilities are endless, and so is my commitment to justice.”

Late-night comedians have had a field day with the announcement. “Kamala Harris is paying herself $1 billion in reparations,” quipped one host. “I guess she really knows how to balance the budget—her own budget, that is!”

As Harris embarks on this unique journey of self-reparation, the nation watches with a mix of admiration, confusion, and amusement. Whether this move will inspire others or simply become another curious footnote in the annals of political history remains to be seen. For now, Harris stands as both debtor and creditor in a quest to reconcile the past with the present.

_{Originally published July 9, 2019.}

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