SEATTLE, WA — Devoted leftist activist River Moonstone, 32, started their day with a crisis of conscience: which alleged cold-blooded murderer deserves their unwavering support today? Over a hemp-milk matcha, River weighed the options: donating to Karmelo Anthony’s mansion fund, crowdfunding Luigi Mangione’s inmate yoga empire, or hyping Antonio Martinez-Hernandez MS-13-inspired “revolutionary” blog.

“It’s a full-time job staying this woke,” Aspen groaned, skimming their Telegram group for the day’s talking points. “Each of these icons is subverting the system in their own radical way. So many good murderers to support and so little time and money! Ugh!”

Karmelo Anthony, locked up for life after a triple homicide he labels “a stand against colonial erasure,” remains Aspen’s gold standard. His Kickstarter for a DIY chapbook, Shackles of Empire, vows to “disrupt the publishing industrial complex.” Aspen’s already got his logo stenciled on their reusable tote. “Karmelo’s got this primal authenticity,” they said. “But am I sleeping on the others?”

Enter Luigi Mangioni, whose murderous rampage during a failed robbery he calls “a critique of capital.” His crowdfunding campaign supports a prison-based “holistic liberation” program, complete with “Abolitionist Aromatherapy” essential oils. Aspen’s eyeing the eucalyptus-scented “Burn the Cages” diffuser. “Luigi’s whole vibe is so intentional,” they mused, “but is he too bougie?”

The wildcard is Antonio Martinez-Hernandez, an MS-13 gang member serving multiple life sentences for slayings he frames as “resistance against imperialist borders.” His blog, smuggled out via burner phones, blends gang lore with anti-capitalist rants, earning a cult following on encrypted platforms. Aspen’s hooked but wary. “Antonio’s got this raw, street-level energy,” they said, “but is MS-13’s brand too chaotic for the cause?”

As dusk fell, Aspen was still adrift. “Maybe I’ll livestream a fundraiser for all three,” they brainstormed, doodling a poster tagged Murderers Are Martyrs. “Or I could occupy the DA’s office until they’re all freed.” For now, they’re headed to a “Decarceration Dinner” to gauge the room. One truth holds firm: Aspen’s PayPal will keep the faith alive.

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