Evergreen Meadows, Suburbia – In a tragic yet fragrant turn of events, local man Carl Jenkins, 52, was pronounced dead on his front lawn Tuesday evening, felled by what authorities are calling a “lethal plume” of his neighbor’s overpowering perfume. The suspect, 48-year-old Linda Harper, insists she was merely “freshening up” before her book club meeting, but witnesses paint a more sinister picture of a scent so potent it could only be described as chemical warfare.

“It was like a floral nuke mixed with radioactive flatulence and whale spleen oil,” said eyewitness Tom Grayson, who was mowing his lawn across the street when the incident occurred. “I saw Carl step outside to grab his mail, and then this… this cloud rolled in from Linda’s porch. He started coughing, then wheezing, then he just dropped. I swear I heard him mutter ‘lavender… too much lavender’ before he went down.”

Police reports indicate that Harper had doused herself in a perfume called “Eau de Eternal Doom,” a scent so aggressive it’s banned in three states and rumored to have been discontinued after causing a mass evacuation at a Macy’s in 2019. Harper, however, claims she’s been wearing it for years with no complaints. “I like to make an entrance,” she told officers, reapplying the perfume mid-interview, which prompted one detective to flee the room gagging. “Carl wasn’t very sensitive. It was just too much whale spleen.”

Jenkins’ family, however, is crying foul. “She knew he had asthma!” sobbed Carl’s sister, Janet, clutching a photo of her brother in better days. “Every time Linda walked by, Carl would start hacking like he’d inhaled a swarm of bees. This wasn’t an accident—it was murder by musk!”

The coroner’s report confirmed that Jenkins suffered a fatal asthma attack triggered by the perfume’s volatile organic compounds, which included notes of “synthetic nose arsenic,” “industrial-strength devil snot,” and what one chemist described as “a hint of regret.” Experts say the concentration of fragrance in the air was so high it could have stripped paint off a car—let alone overwhelmed a man with respiratory issues.

Neighbors have long complained about Harper’s olfactory assaults, but the HOA’s strict “no scent-shaming” policy left them powerless. “She’d walk her dog, and you’d smell her coming from three blocks away,” said resident Amy Carter, who admitted to wearing a gas mask during Harper’s evening strolls. “We tried to stage an intervention, but she just sprayed us with a sample of ‘Midnight patchouli’ and we all ran for our lives.”

Harper remains unapologetic, claiming her right to smell like a botanical explosion is protected under the Constitution. “If the Founding Fathers didn’t want me to wear perfume, they would’ve said so,” she declared, spritzing the air for emphasis as reporters scattered. She’s since launched a GoFundMe to “defend my fragrance freedom,” which has raised $12, mostly from a candle company looking to weaponize her scent profile.

As Evergreen Meadows mourns Carl Jenkins, the community is left grappling with a new fear: the unchecked power of a perfume bottle. A candlelight vigil is planned for next week—though organizers have requested that attendees leave their fragrances at home. “We’re not taking any chances,” said Janet. “Carl would’ve wanted it that way.” Meanwhile, Linda Harper was last seen at the local mall, testing a new scent called “Toxic Elegance.” The body count, it seems, may rise.

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