NEW YORK, NY—Several millennia of racism, slavery, and warfare came to an abrupt end Thursday when local progressive Dickey Le Duck used his social media prowess to condemn every white person who has ever lived.
The tweet, which read “White people are the worst”, was instantly retweeted by everyone on the left half of the political spectrum and spontaneously caused thirty-five white police officers to stop brutalizing innocent black men.
The effects of the tweet were instantaneous. “I was so inspired by the words of truth and brilliance,” said one white racist, “that I started reading Ta-Nihisi Coates.”
“My brother’s neck turned from red to lavender,” another white person said.
“You know, it’s a shame that all white people are racist,” said Le Duck, who himself is white. “But it’s even worse when people deny it.”
“Saying that ‘white people are the worst’ would be a racist thing to say, but, since all white people are racist, it’s actually the most un-racist thing anyone could say,” Le Duck said. “It actually gives me an exemption from being racist even though I’m white and by definition racist.”
Some are saying Le Duck’s tweet is a “progressive tour de force” comparable to Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address and Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” speech.
At the time of this writing, the Nobel Committee is considering reassigning all previous Nobel Peace Prizes to Le Duck for his accomplishment.