WASHINGTON DC—Vice President Mike Pence‘s theocratic dictatorship is nearly complete. One of the final pieces to the puzzle was getting millions of atheists to convert by praying to Almighty God that he becomes president of the United States.

“It’s really a miracle,” Saint Peter said in an exclusive Zoom meeting from Heaven. “We’ve received more prayers from atheists that Mike Pence become president than we’ve ever seen. It’s phenomenal.”

After President Trump tweeted that he and Melania had contracted COVID-19, the American political left—including millions of self-professed atheists—became euphoric and giddy and started praying.

“We’ve never prayed to God or whatever, but we’re praying today,” Billie Meeks of Portland said.

“It was like a pentecostal revival meeting at the Starbucks I was in. People were dancing around, healing each other, taking off their masks. It was like Burning Man with clothes!”

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Exavier Saskagoochie

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