“No penis, no opinion” says violent male criminals

In the wake of the Alabama and Georgia abortion debate, a less publicized discussion is taking root in the cells of the most dangerous male prisons in the country.  Should men be held accountable for what they do with their bodies?  Our journalists took a tour of Louisiana State Penitentiary accompanied by convicted serial rapist, Frank Reeves.

“Women have no idea what it likes to be a man who can’t get laid.  How can they be so judgmental when they would never be in that situation?” says Reeves, recalling his decision to prey on intoxicated women at last year’s Mardi Gras parade.  “What I choose to do with my body to someone else’s body is my choice.”

While touring the courtyard, Reeves was greeted by his cellmate, Jack “Tank Top” Thompson.  Known for his iconic wife beater, Thompson is behind bars for beating his wife.

“I told Cheryl I didn’t wanna hear her nagging no more, but she kept yappin’ about how I never listen to her,” claims Thompson.  “These broads don’t realize how much men struggle putting up with their crap.  Imagine what kind of horrible marriage we woulda had if I hadn’t done the compassionate thing and knocked her teeth out.  Better to end it now than see if things coulda worked out.”

Our journalists asked the prison staff their take on the convicts’ views.  “I’m a guy who sees both sides,” says warden Jacob Danson.  “While I personally have no desire to touch my daughter, I respect other men’s right to grope their kids if they feel it’s the best option for them.  I’ve never been in that situation, but I know I’d want it to be my decision.”

Prison counselor Sally Smithers gave our journalists a surprising female perspective on the debate.  “It doesn’t matter what I think as a woman.  I can’t let a little thing like my morality blind me to the fact that I don’t have a penis.  There are so many things men experience that women just don’t. Did I have to sign up for selective service to vote? No.”

Smithers later made a viral tweet calling on men to abstain from proposing to their girlfriends until the 19th Amendment is abolished.