We’ve all had this one dream at one point in our life. I’m not talking about romance, but renting celebrities to be your beloved family. While Wanda Sykes can be your paternal grandmother, Cameron Diaz can be your maternal grandmother, Ben Stiller can be your paternal grandfather, and a deceased Abraham Lincoln can be your long lost maternal grandfather (who has a third wife with Betty White). Ashton Kutcher can be the brother you never had.

Terry Crews can be your father, and Billie Eilish can be your mother. That’s right. nosedive into the riches you’ll never get to enjoy because you’re paying the celebrities. They’re not compensating you just to go bankrupt. Take a vacation into an off limits 5 story mansion that’s just across Lost and Found Avenue. All you have to do is dial: (111) FNI-DIOT.

Wait! There’s benefits to this. While your dreamlike family is too busy in Hollywood to show you attention, you can receive the attention of a butler for the cost of go-f-yourself thousand dollars. If you ever need anyone to talk to, Donald Trump can be your therapist via video chat. Rachel True can give you psychic readings over the phone just so you can realize how much money you’re wasting.

Obviously, there’ll be many jealous people after they discover just who you’re related to. You’re going to need protection. Hire bodyguards to defend you, but one out of many bodyguards just may have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) or Obsessive Love Disorder (OLD) and you’ll definitely need a therapist then.

Go back to your original family if you have any. Your biological brother may always hog your toys and video games, but that’s okay. I can show you who knows yourself like no other. And who knows yourself has to be family. Exit the room, take a left down the hall, make a right into the bathroom, look in the mirror. It’s your home. You have a map or compass of some kind. Don’t look over your shoulder. Kick him out the bathroom. It’s you.


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