New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has a lot of problems as leader of New York. Now, his problems include several demons constantly pecking at his eyeballs and otherwise tormenting him. Cuomo says that he doesn’t understand why they’re attacking him.

“It’s the darndest thing. Ever since I signed that women’s health bill that restored equality and dignity to the women of New York, I’ve had all these evil fiends pecking at my wretched soul—it feels like scorpions stinging me. I don’t know why all of the sudden they started doing it,” Cuomo said. “Why do these damn demons keep tormenting me since I signed the death warrant of millions of innocent humans?! I don’t get it!”

Cuomo was obviously dealing with multiple facial lesions and seemed to be fighting off flying quislings that were not visible to the journalists in attendance.

“I got 99 problems—well, now I got 100 problems, you know what I’m saying?” Cuomo quipped just before taking a swing at an invisible incubus. “I also can’t get rid of this mysterious red stain on my hands. If there are any doctors out there who could look into it, I’d be obliged.”

The bill he signed was the most radical abortion bill in the history of the country, allowing women to kill their babies up to the point of birth and also allowed non-physicians to perform the murders, because that’s really healthy for women.

“I’m a good guy,” Cuomo said. “I help people and stand up for the women of our state. I don’t understand why my soul is rotting in a personal hell with all these flaming devil vultures swarming around my living corpse.”

About Author

Exavier Saskagoochie

Exavier is an excellent writer—tremendous. He’s really very, very talented. And his hair is really great too. He should have a couple Pulitzers under his belt by now if there was any justice. If he brightened your day at all please consider tipping a coffee or a leg of mutton through this link!

See author's posts