WASHINGTON, DC—Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez made another bold legislative move promising to overturn the law of gravity because, “it’s oppressing us.”

“When they passed the law of gravity hundreds of years ago, they didn’t know what the effects would be here in the 21st century.” she said in a press conference from her temporary office in Starbucks. “Today, there’s nothing else that weighs us down more, economically or in social justice, so we are going to outlaw gravity in the beginning of the 2019 legislative session.”

“I’m pretty sure that when we outlaw gravity, that will do a lot to restore the balance of social justice that institutional racism has hurt for so long,” she said.

Like many of the economic positions Ocasio-Cortez holds, the anti-gravity sentiment has no basis in reality. Maria Stone, professor in economics at SUNY Stonybrook, claims that Ocasio-Cortez’s ideas may sound good, but would completely disrupt the space-time continuum.

“Like the minimum wage or the eat-the-rich socialist policies, outlawing gravity—if you could even do that—would basically just annihilate the universe. Maybe that’s what AOC wants to do.”

The proposition has been wildly popular among Ocasio-Cortez’s constituency, but has its critics.

Roger Haas of Brooklyn doesn’t like the plan. “This is so stupid. I mean yeah, gravity weighs us down, but it also does a lot of good. If you outlaw gravity, you throw the baby out with the bathwater, really.”

“This is democratic socialism, folks. You want a socioeconomic Armageddon, I give you Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.”

^{_{Originally published December 13, 2018.}}

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