WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a fiery campaign speech delivered to a crowd of bewildered supporters, Vice President Kamala Harris made a bold promise: On Day 1 of her presidency, she will fix everything that is currently great and perfect—thanks to her own administration.

“Let me be clear,” Harris began, her voice rising with conviction. “We’ve achieved so much in the past four years. The economy is thriving, our international relationships are stronger than ever, and American morale is at an all-time high. But I’m here to tell you that on Day 1 of my presidency, I’m going to fix all of it!”

As the crowd attempted to reconcile the idea of “fixing” what’s already working, Harris elaborated on her plan. “Look, I know what you’re thinking. ‘Kamala, you’ve been telling us everything is great, so what’s to fix?’ But that’s exactly the problem. We can’t just rest on our laurels. It’s time to take all of these successes and… well, make them better by, you know, doing something completely different!”

Harris laid out a series of ambitious plans to “improve” the very achievements she’s been a part of. “The economy is booming, yes—but is it booming enough? I’ll make sure we introduce new regulations that will challenge businesses to adapt—or crumble. After all, growth only comes from struggle!”

The Vice President also took aim at the administration’s foreign policy successes. “We’ve secured peace deals and strengthened alliances, but have we made the world chaotic enough? On Day 1, I’ll shake things up on the global stage. Maybe we’ll start a trade war, or two. Or perhaps I’ll just send out some really cryptic tweets that no one understands—just to keep everyone on their toes.”

In perhaps her most perplexing promise, Harris vowed to tackle the nation’s record-low crime rates. “Safety is important, sure. But what about the thrill of danger? I’ll work to ensure that every American has the opportunity to feel the excitement of not knowing what’s around the corner. It’s time we bring a little bit of unpredictability back to our streets.”

As she wrapped up her speech, Harris smiled broadly at the confused but hopeful crowd. “So remember, when you vote for me, you’re voting for someone who’s not afraid to break what’s already perfect—because perfect can always be… more perfect? Or less perfect? Either way, I’m here to change it!”

The crowd, caught between admiration and bewilderment, cheered and chanted, unsure of what they were agreeing to but thrilled at the prospect of more Harris in their lives.

About Author

Exavier Saskagoochie

Exavier is an excellent writer—tremendous. He’s really very, very talented. And his hair is really great too. He should have a couple Pulitzers under his belt by now if there was any justice. If he brightened your day at all please consider tipping a coffee or a leg of mutton through this link!

See author's posts