I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time we all face a cold, hard truth: every crime in the last few months can be traced back to the so-called White Dudes for Harris. It doesn’t matter if it’s graffiti in a Whole Foods parking lot or the two CIA-adjacent assassination attempts on President Trump at his Florida golf course—these guys are at the center of it all. And they must be stopped.

The warning signs have been there for years, folks. It started with harmless craft-beer nights and evolved into full-blown chaos. Their ironic Kamala Harris t-shirts, their obsession with tofu, and their constant use of phrases like “empower” and “unburdened by what has been” have morphed from cringey to criminal. If we’re not careful, they’ll have us all recycling and voting for more state-mandated free tampons before we know it.

Let’s be real: these soy-fueled, vest-wearing soy boys are not only annoying—they’re a threat to national security. It’s no coincidence that their so-called “support” for Vice President Harris has coincided with everything from massive upticks in mansplaining to assassination attempts. The connection is clear: when white dudes get too woke, they get dangerous.

The solution is simple: cut off their supply of soy milk, immediately. We need an emergency executive order, or better yet, a bipartisan bill. These guys are way too dependent on their daily oat milk lattes and kale smoothies. Without soy milk, their power will crumble. We need to hit them where it hurts.

But why stop there? I recommend putting testosterone in their water supply to encourage these “dudes” to man up. Maybe if they had a little more natural confidence, they wouldn’t feel the need to compensate by organizing White Dudes for Harris rallies or plotting bizarre and futile political attacks. A little extra testosterone might even help them put down the quinoa and pick up something useful—like a hammer or a book on actual history.

Look, I’m not saying we need to arrest all of them (yet), but we at least need to keep an eye on these guys. If they can’t get their soy milk cappuccinos on demand, maybe they’ll stop trying to “fix” the country by electing someone they think will banish all forms of traditional masculinity forever.

In the end, it’s not just about stopping crime—it’s about preserving the future of this great nation. And as long as we have packs of ironic, soy-infused white dudes running around thinking they’re changing the world with a Kamala bumper sticker, no one is safe.

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Exavier Saskagoochie

Exavier is an excellent writer—tremendous. He’s really very, very talented. And his hair is really great too. He should have a couple Pulitzers under his belt by now if there was any justice. If he brightened your day at all please consider tipping a coffee or a leg of mutton through this link!

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