NEW HAVEN, CT—The University of Pennsylvania transwoman swimmer Lia Thomas complained of her swimsuit crushing her lady balls in her loss to Yale’s transmale swimmer Iszac Henig.

“I wasn’t prepared for that. Everything is messed up. I can’t wrap my head around this. The NCAA needs to do something about this. Clearly the only reason why I lost was that Iszac doesn’t have lady balls and so there’s no tight fit or drag,” Thomas said through some grimaces. “I have really big lady balls.”

Thomas said her balls were the only reason she lost.

Spectators in attendance told the Daily Mail that Henig, who had his breasts removed, won the 50-yard freestyle and proceeded to pull down the top of his swimsuit.

Hans Weinerman, President of the NCAA Athletics committee was quick to apologize to the testicular women.

“We offer our deepest apologies to these women for offending their personhood and humanity and will do anything we can to pretend that their demands aren’t the most ridiculous thing we’ve ever heard,” Weinerman said.

Henig not only cut off his breasts, but was allowed to take performance-enancing testosterone to completely fool biology.

About Author

Exavier Saskagoochie

Exavier is an excellent writer—tremendous. He’s really very, very talented. And his hair is really great too. He should have a couple Pulitzers under his belt by now if there was any justice. If he brightened your day at all please consider tipping a coffee or a leg of mutton through this link!

See author's posts