Washington, D.C. – The Senate chamber turned into a sartorial circus this week as senators were cautioned against wearing qipaos during debates on China tariffs, a warning that came just moments too late for Senator Rand Paul. In a speech railing against the economic perils of tariffs, the Kentucky senator dramatically shed his silk qipao—revealing a starched suit underneath—to prove he’s not on China’s payroll, leaving his colleagues stunned and the C-SPAN audience reaching for popcorn.

“I’m not here to play dress-up for the Chinese Communist Party,” Paul bellowed, tossing the qipao to the floor like a matador discarding a cape. “This suit is 100% American-made—well, the label says ‘Designed in California,’ but close enough!” The stunt drew gasps from the gallery, though a quick fact-check revealed the suit’s lining was sourced from Guangzhou.

Senate Minority Leader John Thune, ever the voice of reason, managed to avert a full-blown GOP fashion fiasco by intercepting a cadre of Republicans who were reportedly ready to strut onto the floor in their own qipaos. “We can’t afford to look like we’re pandering to Beijing while we’re slamming them on trade,” Thune hissed, confiscating a jade-green qipao from Senator Josh Hawley, who protested, “But it matches my beard!”

Thune’s relief was short-lived. His frustration boiled over when several senators began replacing the letter “L” with “R” in their speeches, a cringeworthy attempt at “unity” against China that quickly devolved into caricature. “It’s a reary, reary bad rook for Repubricans,” Senator Mitch McConnell declared, adjusting his glasses with a smug nod. His wife, Elaine Chao, who has long faced whispers about her family’s Chinese business ties, promptly smacked his arm. “Mitch, you’re embarrassing yourself,” she snapped, her voice barely above a whisper. “This isn’t a 1980s comedy sketch.”

The qipao debacle sparked a firestorm of reactions. Political analyst Rachel Kim called it “a masterclass in performative ignorance,” noting, “They’re so busy signaling they’re tough on China that they forgot a qipao isn’t a political statement—it’s just a dress. Also, Rand’s qipao was polyester, not silk. He’s not even splurging for the good stuff.” Democrats, meanwhile, couldn’t resist a jab. Senator Chuck Schumer quipped, “I guess I’ll wear a kilt when we talk about Brexit—see how that plays on X.”

As the session wrapped, McConnell was overheard muttering about “rearning from this mess,” while Chao dragged him off to a quiet corner, likely to lecture him on cultural sensitivity—or at least better pronunciation. The qipaos may be back in the closet, but the Senate’s tariff debates have never been more of a spectacle. Thune, for his part, is reportedly drafting a new dress code: “Suits only—no exceptions.”

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