The Town Council of Wannanacho, Oregon passed a resolution restricting holiday greetings between people this week. It was already illegal to wish someone a “Merry Christmas,” because that was associated with Christianity and hence millennia of bloody oppression and the Crusades. Now, it is even illegal to say, “Happy holidays” because that’s too “Christmas-y.”

“You can’t say ‘happy holidays’ nowadays without hearing sleigh bells in your head or having visions of gumdrops since it’s so closely related to Christmas,” Town Councilmember Julia Whitehorse said of the resolution. “So, we’ve gone ahead and prohibited the use of ‘happy holidays’ altogether as well as the ‘Merry . . . well you know.'”

Wannanacho residents took to the resolution almost immediately. People passing each other on the miserably cold and rainy day avoided eye contact with anyone that could potentially wish them any joy in the season of light and merriment.

One person was overheard greeting someone with a perfectly lawful, “Up yours, wanker!”

Another self-proclaimed atheist resident, Neezer Hootch, agreed with the new law. “We’re sick and tire of your joyous singing and your stupid spirit of self-giving and especially all the smile-y ‘Happy holidays’ as if it wasn’t all just an insidious cover for your mind-numbing cult of the Sky Daddy!”

Whitehorse said that it was acceptable to say, “Happy holidays** except for Christmas” if preferred.

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