As of Saturday, there have been 32—THIRTY-TWO—cases of measles reported throughout the country prompting President Trump to move to DEFCON 1, a state of emergency never before reached.

“Considering the recent outbreaks of measles, I’ve instructed my personnel to move to DEFCON 1 and prepare all national nuclear defenses,” Trump said in a press conference.

DEFCON is the military readiness of the United States. It stands for DEFense readiness CONdition. The scale operates on a 1–5 numerical. DEFCON 1 has never before been reached before and means that nuclear war is imminent.

It’s not clear whether the President will be detonating nuclear warheads on the state of Washington or  elsewhere, but the unprecedented move will surely be met with gratitude for this terrifying scare.

Measles, a disease that was typical for children to contract before widespread vaccination in the 1970s is now the worst thing that could happen to children today. There’s basically nothing you can do but nuke the entire area once an outbreak occurs.

“This has been just apocalyptic,” a worried mother Janet said. “It’s those damn ant0vaxxers, spreading diseases that they don’t have to my vaccinated kids! They should be put in concentration camps for not injecting risky vaccines for typical diseases into their kids!”

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Exavier Saskagoochie

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