Trump uses Dominion machines to count crowd size: 9 billion in attendance

WASHINGTON DC—Americans descended upon the nation’s capital from across the country to participate in President Donald Trump’s Save America rally. The President has announced that Dominion counting machines determined the crowd was 9 billion people strong.

Early estimates placed the crowd close to a million people. After the event, the Dominion machines continued counting, adding billions over the course of the night.

The Guinness Book of World Records certified the rally as the largest political gathering in history. The rally had more attendees than any of Barack Obama’s rallies or the incumbent’s previous rallies (despite breaking Obama’s record himself).

Many conspiracy theorists have objected to Guinness’s decision despite having no evidence of any wrongdoing. “Nothing about this count makes sense,” a cultist told reporters. “Some of these tallies aren’t just illegal, but mathematically impossible.”

Donald Trump has since declined a recount of audience attendees or an investigation into the Dominion machines. “There’s nothing suspicious here and I refuse to support a recount. You’re a threat to our democracy,” the self-proclaimed unifying President said. “Come on, man.”