UPS commits to burning half of your packages if Derek Chauvin is acquitted

ATLANTA—UPS has increased the stakes in the woke corporation olympics. The package “delivery” service has committed to burning half of the packages they were entrusted to deliver if Derek Chauvin is acquitted of the charge of murdering George Floyd.

“Like many Coca-Cola and other companies, the number one priority at UPS right now is social justice, and we plan on proving that by committing to burn half of your packages in support of Black Lives Matter if Derek Chauvin is acquitted,” UPS CEO David Abney said in a press conference.

Many customers questioned the move.

“I mean, I just want my packages delivered. I’m not trying to be less white. I don’t know how burning half of my packages is going to help racial relations in the US,” UPS customer Bernie Sandies said.

“We’re primarily a social justice company now. A climate change combatant. If you don’t like it, then you can go somewhere else and actually get all of your packages delivered,” Abney said.

Many UPS drivers are excited about the new policy.

“There was this one package that would have been very difficult for me to deliver up some stairs. It was a big package too. So, I just said, screw it, and set it on fire. The customer came out and wanted to know why I set his package on fire and I asked him if he was racist or something. That shut him up.” UPS Driver Willie Jenkins said.

Abney said UPS is also considering changing their name to United Pieces of Shit to finish the rebranding.


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