ASHVILLE, NC—Victims of Hurricane Helene in North Carolina have discovered a clever life hack: identifying as illegal immigrants in order to receive federal aid from the Biden-Harris administration. After days of watching billions pour into the coffers of migrant programs, these displaced citizens decided to get in on the action.

Local resident Becky Johnson, standing beside her waterlogged home, was one of the first to make the switch. “I lost everything in the flood—my house, my car, my dog’s favorite chew toy—but FEMA said I didn’t qualify for anything beyond a pamphlet and a bottle of water,” Johnson sighed. “But then I heard about all the goodies being handed out to folks who just crossed the border. I thought, why not? I’m now Bequisha de la Rivera from ‘South Mexico,’ and suddenly I’m getting housing, a new iPhone, and a federal stipend!”

The trend caught fire faster than a tropical storm spinning off the coast. Soon, social media was flooded with tips on how to blend in as a newly “arrived” immigrant. Popular suggestions included trading in your Southern accent for broken Spanish, arriving late to all appointments, and nodding thoughtfully when asked if you know how to scale a border wall.

“I know it sounds crazy,” said Bill McDougal, who lost his tractor and most of his crop. “But after I saw they were handing out $450,000 settlements to families separated at the border, I figured I could be separated from my tractor, too.”

White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, when asked about the influx of suddenly foreign-sounding hurricane victims, was dismissive. “It’s important that we don’t conflate natural disaster victims with those escaping true hardship—like having to find WiFi in migrant detention centers. As for North Carolina? Let them figure it out.”

Meanwhile, experts warn that this new strategy could inspire a wave of “accidental migration” across other parts of the U.S., with citizens from hurricane-prone states brushing up on their Spanish to tap into the bottomless pit of migrant aid.

In response, FEMA is reportedly considering a new aid category for “trans-migrants”—Americans who have spiritually and financially relocated across the southern border without leaving their hometowns.

As Bequisha de la Rivera summed up the sentiment sweeping North Carolina: “If the Biden-Harris administration won’t acknowledge us as Americans, maybe we’ll just stop being Americans altogether.”

About Author