WASHINGTON, DC—In a move aimed at accommodating President* Biden’s cognitive awareness schedule, the White House has formally requested that all enemies, foreign and domestic, refrain from initiating any hostile actions between 4 p.m. and 10 a.m.

Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre informed an eager press corps of the new policy during a briefing yesterday. “We are simply asking for a little consideration and not attack the United States or our allies during those hours,” Jean-Pierre said. “We believe this will ensure that President Biden is fully prepared and well-rested to address any crises that may arise.”

MSNBC and CNN reporters wiped away tears of joy, their smiles wide as they nodded in agreement. “It’s brilliant,” said Rachel Maddow’s personal assistant, Carpetta Munscher. “This White House knows how to lead a country!”

The new policy has raised eyebrows and questions. What if Trump’s cognitive hours had been similarly limited? “The big difference,” Munscher clarified, “is that Trump is a racist, misogynist, sexist felon, while Biden only showered with his daughter, so there.”

Critics have been quick to point out potential flaws in the plan. “What happens if an enemy decides to act outside these hours?” asked an unnamed senator. “This seems more like wishful thinking than a robust national security strategy.”

Jean-Pierre dismissed these concerns, asserting that the administration has full confidence in their diplomatic approach. “We trust that our adversaries will honor this request. After all, it’s just common courtesy.”

Supporters of the policy are already hailing it as a stroke of genius. “This is leadership at its finest,” said a prominent political commentator. “It shows a deep understanding of the president’s needs and a creative approach to global diplomacy.”

Despite the fanfare, some skeptics remain unconvinced. “What if, and hear me out,” said one pundit, “our enemies don’t respect this time frame? Are we really banking on international bad guys being polite?”

Munscher had a ready response. “Of course, they will. They know Biden is a man of empathy and decency. And if they don’t comply, well, we’ll just ask them again nicely.”

As the nation adjusts to this unprecedented approach to national security, one thing is certain: the Biden administration is committed to ensuring that the president gets his beauty sleep. Whether or not the world will comply remains to be seen.

For now, Americans can rest easy knowing that from 4 p.m. to 10 a.m., the country will be in the capable hands of… well, whoever is available.

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