Russia to launch investigation to determine if any Democrats have ties to United States

Officials at the top of Russian government have launched an investigation to determine if anyone in the Democratic Party has any ties to the United States.

“We feel very good about our agents that have secured all leadership positions in the Democratic Party,” Kremlin Director Boris Yeltsin said. “But there are rumors that they may not be completely beholden to Mother Russia.”

Nancy Pelosi has made it clear repeatedly that she and her party have no interest in America.

“I’ve said this time and time again: death to America; down with America!” Pelosi said at a press conference in front of several American flags.

“This investigation is a waste of money,” Sen. Chuck Schumer said. “They’re not going to find any untoward connection between us Democrats and the United States.”