Minneapolis—In an effort to be one step ahead of the virtue signalling competition, Target stores in the Twin Cities area will be offering ‘seniors only’ early looting for elderly rioters tomorrow at 7-8 am.

“We know that there are elderly people that are mad as hell and who want to loot our stores because of injustices caused by other people entirely,” Target CEO Fritz Fannypacker said. “And they feel marginalized because they don’t want to be around so many young people spewing the coronavirus everywhere. So, we’ve decided to give them an opportunity to loot before the young protesters arrive.”

Target says that this may become a national policy if it works well in Minneapolis.

Looters began expressing their frustration at Minneapolis police officer Derek Chauvin killing unarmed black man George Floyd by stealing flatscreen TVs and burning down affordable housing developments. Naturally, their attention was directed at Target because racism.

“We understand the pain you people feel,” Fannypacker said. “And we want to help you destroy society, but we need to give the elderly a chance to destroy society too.”

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