WASHINGTON DC—US Attorney General Bill Barr says that he doesn’t know the thing that jumped up and bit him in the ass.

“It seems like a nefarious monster of some sort, but I don’t know what it is to be honest,” Barr said.

Barr recently made news for claiming that the FBI and the Department of Justice have seen no evidence of fraud in the 2020 presidential election that would warrant overturning that election after not looking for it.

“We haven’t found any fraud—OUCH!” Barr said while continuously being bit in the ass.

“To date, we have not seen fraud on a scale that could have affected a different outcome in the election,” Barr said. “Our crack team of agents have looked in their refrigerators, under their beds, and other places that wouldn’t conflict with social distancing protocols, and they haven’t found anything worth noting. One agent found some dirty socks she thought she’d lost but that was it.”

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Exavier Saskagoochie

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